Sabtu, 20 Februari 2010
Intellectual Jobs in Malaysia
* Datuk - Becoming a Datuk in Malaysia promise bright future. You can easily take big contract from government and give it to some chinese contractor. They will buy you some house and Mercedes. Not to mention, this also opens more opportunity for extra side income from bribes which is TAX FREE!
* Traffic Police - Only Malays can apply. Their job is simple - ask a driver to pull over, tell him that he has offended many traffic laws (invent one if they couldn't find any) and tell him that they can 'settle' for the expensive fines by a small token of good gesture. Simply ask the drivers to pass some money under their driver's license, and then bid him farewell with the words like "you senang, saya pun senang" and "Ingat, saya anti rasuah!"
* Bandaraya Officer - Also known as city council officer. It's a form of legalized gangsterism. Only Malays can apply. Job scope includes legal extortion, confiscating mamak stall tables and chairs, confiscating tables, red cloth and VCD from illegal VCD peddlers and so on. Must be a good auctioneer as well as all confiscated items will be auctioned off."
* Toll Money Collector - Sparta requires all males to be fit and healthy, and the same goes to Malaysia's toll collectors. They must have perfect limbs - the left hand must be well developed for it is essential to operate the ticket machine and the cash register. The right hand must be well-built to move non-stop from 8 to 10 daily, and the legs are vital because occasionally they need to abandon their boxes to avoid vehicle crashes to the toll booth. If any of the candidates for the job do not fulfill the required requirements, His Anal Majesty Anwar himself will see to it that the failed candidates will be sodomized and thrown down into the blissful mountains the Chinese call 'Nirvana', the (M)ush-lims 'Bukit Tinggi', the Indians 'N/A' (as the national motto goes, "It's not our problem anyway").
* Ah Long - Interested applicants must be Chinese, be fluent in Cantonese, Hokkien, Hakka (being able to curse proficiently is a bonus), have blond hair, killer, liar, have one pierced ear and drive a used Proton Wira with windows tinted as black as Booker T, complete with spoiler so big the car dwarfs an A380, and a muffler the size of Neptune. Also must regularly to kill, kurung people in the sangkar. Must be literate and able to write on small notebooks call buku 555 (so called for the numbers '555' on the cover). An essential skill is the ability to sneak into the homes of people that can't repay their loans (mostly gamblers, other Ah Longs, old Aunties addicted to DaMaCai, or just lazy school kids that want to buy Ragnarok Online characters off eBay) and paint threatening Chinese words (must be in red paint) on their walls. Must also have an affinity with techno music.
* Chettiar - The Indian equivalent to Ah Longs. Applicant must be Indian (duh), pot-bellied, have curly moustaches, carry huge black umbrella and carry a huge suitcase in one hand. Also must be able to pull off a Bollywood fight scene in case a client refuses to pay his loans.
* Mat Rempit - Pseudo-professional motocycle stuntmen, soon to be dead. Only Malays can apply. Becoming a Mat Rempit is a guarantor of a good future, with the backup support from the government agency call Putera Tak Senonoh Umno. You only need to do stupid motorcycle stunts on your motorbike on a public road to attract more tourists for Year Visit Malaysia 2007. If you don't have money to spend, become a part-time snatch thief or robber. Getting arrested is a definite occupational hazard, but don't worry - just use bribe the Police and everything will be settled.
* Mat Skodeng - Only available to Muslims. Also known as government sanctioned Peeping Toms, these are some of the best jobs EVAR!!!!! (if you're a pervert, which is everybody). Basically you find Muslim couples having sex, film them and then report them! AWESOME! You can hand it over to the government to gain commission or sell these films at the "pasar malam" with titles such as 'Seks di tepi Sungai Besi' and 'Perdana Menteri yang Terlampau'.
* VCD/DVD Seller - An easy job that just needs you to sell VCDs in the Pasar Malam or around the food court. The fixed price for one VCD is RM5(less than US$2 - important to remember when selling to gwai los). The price for one DVD ranges from RM8-RM10. Selling porn carries the highest profit. This job is better than becoming Multi Level Marketing salesman, because you can get an average salary of RM100 per night. However hawkers must always be aware of undercover police that might be nearby.
* Ladyboys - A amusingly high status job for the desperate ones. It's only available at night at certain places such as Mentari Court, Chow Kit, and some back alleys along SS15. Job requirements include (but are not limited to) the ability to pleasure both sexes, having split sex (as in can be a male and a female), the ability to seduce men, women, and other ladyboys. Might have to prepare for police raids and unoccasional GANG BANG rape. According to the current market, a ladyboy can earn RM2,000 to RM 3,000 a night depending on the skills and ability of the ladyboy. Worst comes to worst - Thailand is always open to you.
* TehTarikCrew - This is one of the most promising intellectual jobs you can do in glorious country of Malaysia, where all you need to do is dress up all in blue, wear funky leather shoes, and don officer hats. Their job is to ride on the cool lorry trucks (as seen on the MTV hit show "Jihad My Ride") and go on tehtarik raids, scheduled between Malaysian Time 10.00PM to 2.00AM. The raid will consist of 10-20 Level 1 Rogues, as seen in their obvious outfits of leather shoes. To be one of the TehTarikCrew members, one must have at least level 1 Pilfering skills, as required by Arcadia.
* CALL CENTER MANIA - The most famous job now days lor..open to all un-educated malaysians..especially the dumb malays..and rempit can join delivery service.. McDonalds delivery(the most lousy delivery service ever) it took them 45 min to one hour to deliver my freeking food? call now..! ! any call center number available to your eyes..just to end up with a dumb malay at the end of line.. "yess sir" "no sirr" the only word the know how to pronounce properly. and when they cant take it anymore, "I tak tau lar sir" "YOu boleh speaking with my supervisor" "I nih bodoh sirr"
* TMnerd SHITmyx technical assistance - The easiest job in the world. Just have to pick up the phone, ask for user verification, then ask the caller to unplug the phone line and plug-in again, then restart the computer. You have to memorise the speech and repeat it 500million times a day, because apparently Terrorkom wants to save money.
* UMNO Activist - Threaten Malaysians with Keris and degrade non-Malays as immigrants and slaves. Sick and racist, but very good pay. Only rich half-Malays and Malay pretenders can apply - genuine Malays are advised to remain in their kampung and mind their own business.
* MCA/MIC Activist - Good choice for non-Malays who still wish to get the money and power benefits that UMNO activists have.
* Mamak Stall Worker - Majority taken up by Indian Muslims. Must be able to tolerate racist remarks and flip Roti Canais 24/7. Poor salary, but they don't really care. Must be able to prepare for raids from Bandaraya at any given time.
Note: The truth is, most of the brightest minds have migrated away and now the government is trying to woo them back with pay which is much less than half of what they earn overseas. However they're given benefits like free prostitute access, and lifetime supply of Bak Kut Teh.